I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
