do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
