i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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