She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
