yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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