plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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