Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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