but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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