you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
