you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
