saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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