nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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