Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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