Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
