I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
