Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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