watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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