I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
