Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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