we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
