I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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