i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
