i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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