Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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