our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
