why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
