One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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