Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
