I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
