I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
