Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
