Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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