just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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