My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
