My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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