I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
