My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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