I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
