It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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