No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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