if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
