there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
