Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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