idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize