He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Every concussion has its silver lining
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize