you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
