Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
