do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
