i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
