What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
