genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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