Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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