Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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