My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
