hotel room ftw
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
