So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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